Suddenly

Suddenly I feel inadequate. Restless even. That I'm stuck and I want to run away from everything. Not really to the point of leaving everything behind. I just want some time off...

1. Alone with my guitar. I miss hours of guitar practice trying to give justice to the genius compositions of Villalobos, Tarrega and Bach (emphasis on the word "trying"). It has been more than a year since I last sat down and studied a piece. I miss it--even if figuring out difficult fingerings induced migraine from time to time. I miss the sense of fulfillment after a good practice and also the pangs of frustration whenever I just couldn't get it. I know I wouldn't be a classical guitarist by profession but guitar practices somehow enliven that dream...even if it will stay a dream forever.

2. Alone with a good book. I want to finish Woolf's "A Room Of One's Own" and get started with the next book that I have yet to decide on. Maybe "Letter to A Young Poet" by Rilke. I love Rilke. Practical view on things. Straight to the point. Truth as it is. I would love to read his work in German though. But I can't afford the classes now. So I'll stick to the English translation for the meantime. Here I go again, blabbing, blabbing, blabbing. I couldn't even hold an intelligent conversation with a fellow. Hay, too much Facebook numbs my brain. I even commit grammatical errors. Darn! Inexcusable. MUST.READ.NOW.

3. Alone with my journal. There's nothing like good old paper and pen for writing--even if it means blots and smudges of black ink on the once clean sheet. I still prefer writing over typing, no matter how hard it is for me to understand my penmanship. I admit, I have the most horrible handwriting a human being can ever possess. My students can attest to that. But I still love the strokes of the M's and the curves of the A's and the rest of the alphabet. And yes, the ink that stays on my ring finger after.

4. Alone biking. Just taking in the scenery as I pedal in rhythm while the wind soothe me with its whispers...biking is Me-time at its finest. The time to process my difficulties before letting it go. The time to commune with nature. The time to focus on nothing but the pedals and the break and the direction of the wind. The time to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. BLISS. In spite of the sweat and the stinking smell of my shirt, that's the time I am at my best.

5. Just being alone. For 30 seconds. No, for 30 minutes. In silence. Conscious breathing. Listening.

What's causing this void, I wonder. Burn-out? Most likely. How do I deal with this? Going out of town is definitely out of the question since my work doesn't allow it at this season. Chocolates won't do the trick either since it'll just add the inches on my waist. What I know for sure is this---I need to find my center again in order to achieve equilibrium. Maybe that's where I want to go to in the first place.

How about you? Have you ever wanted to run away?