Starting Over

Life is a series of transitions. Our lives are marked by beginnings and endings, births and deaths. Whether we are conscious of it or not, metamorphosis happens all the time. Change is inevitable. Things around us are not meant to stay the same.

If change is as constant and as natural as breathing, then why is it difficult? Why does it trigger hesitation, anxiety and even depression?

In terms of transition, this is where I'm at--- standing on that thin line between finish and start (in that order). And it has fear written all over it.

Nowadays, I am pursuing what I've always wanted to do, even though it means starting from scratch. But sometimes I doubt the possibility of my aspiration aligning with reality. If I were a child, I would easily take the plunge and begin anew. Age makes circumstances complicated somehow. There are so many angles to consider, numerous risks to take and a lot of things at stake. Doubt overshadows passion. Fear drains the courage of the dreamer. Everything comes to a standstill.

Then it dawned on me: my fear of change does not come from what I am leaving behind, but stems from what I am going to face ahead. The vastness of the unknown is immensely overwhelming that I falter at its presence. Similar to what performers feel minutes before playing the first note or the actor uttering the first word, the agitation originates from the inability of knowing what's going to happen next. And seconds before stepping on stage, at the mercy of the uncertain future, I must choose: fight or flight? Stay or leave? What's it going to be?

So should I or should I not? I still do not know the answer. What I'm sure of is this: I am stuck in THIS moment. The space right after the punctuation mark before the succeeding sentence. The fermata of the last note from the first movement, anticipating the onset of the next. The impregnated pause, before thoughts form into spoken words.

As I ponder on the present, Cynthia Alexander sings in the background..

What is tomorrow, it may never come...what is yesterday is now done...